Another day another panic...

attack.

I know today is Wednesday and I know that its payday. I paid all the bills and budgeted for the month's groceries. I remembered to set aside money for birthday presents and even used a bit to 'treat' myself and my husband to a meal that we didn't cook ourselves. McDonalds at midnight. Payday is usually the only time we get to do this. We're broke after today, as usual.

I didn't know that I had a sleep study session scheduled for tonight. Despite having reminded myself ten times and written it down on paper and in my calender on my phone. Somehow, I forgot. The call from the nurse confirming my appointment was sudden and shocking. It rattled me.

I hate phone calls. The phone rings and it scares me. I never want to pick up, no matter who's calling. I took a look at the caller ID with trepidation and sure enough it was something I'd forgotten, something important, something urgent. Right away I'm wracked with nerves and guilt.

The appointment is set for 8:30pm tonight. It's a sleep study which means I have to spend all night away from home. I'm pms-ing and I'm tired from sleep deprivation. I'm so tired I just sit here and watch tv all day and night. The only energy being used in spurts to keep me calm and teetering on the edge of anxiety.

I woke up at 11pm last night. There's no way I'm going to stay awake till 8:30pm and if I do, I'm not going to sleep anytime tonight. I'd have to take a sleeping pill.

That would be fine, if it weren't for the fact that I've had a pain in my side for weeks now. When and if I take pills, the pain worsens. Either through some sort of digestion issue that's causing the pain or because my panicked brain is telling me to freak out because this pain is a sign of impending doom.

I feel crazy. I feel like a lunatic. Who can't go to sleep? What kind of person can't drive a mile down the road to get better? Who sits in pain for weeks at a time because they can't walk out their front door to get medical help? Who the fuck does this to themselves?

I do. Every day wondering what is wrong with me mentally, emotionally, physically. Am I in trouble? Am I doing permanent irreversible damage? What am I going to do? Immediately guilt sets in.

What about everyone else's feelings? My friends and family who love me and depend on me? What if because I couldn't go get checked out, I died.

And then a new wave of anxiety crashes over me like the ocean on a beach without the spray of relief at it's back. No sound, just pounding.

I tried calling to reschedule. I called twice. Both the nurses seemed irritated and impatient as I tried to explain my reason for not being able to mush myself out the door. After two failed attempts at seemingly bullshit excuses, I tell the truth. The first part, I'm agoraphobic, sounds lame even to my own ears. I hear myself say it as if I'm the one in scrubs listening to some lazy person on the phone making my day that much more difficult.

They stop to take a breath before explaining that I shouldn't have waited till the day of to cancel. They continue, also explaining that rescheduling is difficult and that the tech was specifically scheduled to come in for my session. "I can't get you an appointment until the end of the month," the second nurse says in a tone of absolution.

I try to wrack my brain, trying to figure out what day today is. Not so long ago, I knew exactly what day it was. Now I couldn't tell you if my life depended on it. She waits impatiently as my breath catches in my throat and I flail in my mind trying to calculate how long between now and the end of the month.

It sounds like I'm crying, because I am. I hate when I cry. I hate it even more when I can't stop it and people can hear me. Now she's either thinking I'm even more full of shit, trying to manipulate her, or that I'm pathetic. Maybe she's thinking all three.

"I have the 24th or the 26th available," she blurts out, clearly wanting to finish the call. I'm disrupting her day.

Guilt crashes, yet again. Now I'm in full panic and I hate myself more than she does. I can't even talk I'm gasping for air and choking while trying to choke down tears long enough to say, "I'm sorry...I'm having a panic attack...can I call back?"

The call ends. Now I sit here trying to swallow the wrecking ball in my throat. Another blurry day filled with lost potential and worry. It's 2pm and I don't know whether to stay awake or go to sleep. I don't know whether to cry or not. I don't know whether to feel sorry for myself or punish myself.

I think I'll turn the tv back on. I'll just drift into someone else's world for a while. I'll just distract. Just stay distracted until I'm so sleepy my vision vibrates, my stomach aches, and my eyes shut on their own. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Just maybe if I hold on for one more day, somehow it will all get better.

I hope your day is better.

Love,
Mery Ann

More Hearts

So, here I was thinking my blog had disappeared into obscurity and completely giving up on it and all along people have been checking it out. I'm pretty happy about that and in fact its very touching to know.

In my life I get very distracted by my medical and mental conditions. They take up most of every single day. I pretty much sit in worry and anxiety trying all day to think about anything but them. Through this introverted battle of paranoia, illness, and depression, I spend most of my foggy days just thinking about how crappy I feel.

On some days, the real world punches through and I get a glimpsed at what my life is supposed to be like and what's really important. This blog is important. That's hard for me to remember sometimes.

Thank you to Devi for submitting a comment and letting me know that one of the links for free heart crochet patterns was not working.

Here are some suitable (I hope) alternatives for you guys. <3

http://www.crochetdoilies.com/crochet_heart_coaster.html

http://creativeyarnsource.com/Heart.pdf

http://www.redheart.com/free-patterns/warm-hearted-spirits

http://www.caron.com/projects/op/op_hearts.html

If you're good at reading diagrams, this page has loads to choose from! 

http://crochet-plaisir.over-blog.com/categorie-12330740.html

*The first few times I clicked this link not more than an hour ago, it worked. It has since stopped working for me. I'm sorry in advance if it doesn't work. :(

Please note that all of these pictures belong solely to their creators as listed in the links below them. I did not make these crochet creations, patterns, or take the pictures. Give credit where credit is due and be sure to read the guidelines for use of the pattern if and when they are listed. 

Thank you so much for reading!

Love,

Mery Ann

"Honey, I Shrunk the Steves" MORE PICS!

I've had a lot of requests for an album on the "Honey, I Shrunk the Steves" map so  I'm posting them here, on my blog. :)

I've been hard at work doing landscaping and adding more (yes, more!) detail on the map lol. 

There's bits and pieces that I wasn't happy with before that I find myself tinkering with daily. Mainly it's the exterior that has been getting some TLC. 

I spent so much time with the small details inside that I ended up with a giant brick wall all around the house....not very appealing. So, I've added some gardening and fences as well as roof and brick details.

I don't know if you guys read about it on my twitter but I've been considering turning this into an adventure map once the house is finished. I even built a train station that takes you to the mailbox as a starter point for it. 

Unfortunately, I've never created an adventure map and need some serious help with it. 

If anyone is interested, you can reply here on my blog with the following information:

Your Gamertag:
Pictures/Links to any adventure builds you've created:
How often are you on xbox"
How many hours you can work on the build daily/weekly:
Your age:

I know age doesn't tell your maturity but I get a lot of younger kids who want to play/build and after a little while they get bored and start trolling/griefing. I don't have time for that, I'm sorry.

Ok, here's the photo's I promised:

Here's the kitchen, I know it looks gritty but I had to add filters to light it up. :/

This is the master bedroom.

This is the spare bedroom.

Here's part of the backyard.

Close up of Norman the Gnome ^.^ 

Thanks for reading!

Love,

La Lady Panda

Minecrafting LvL 9000

To date, my most ambitious endeavor in Minecraft has to be, the House. Simply put, it's tedious and detailed and gigantic in proportions. This house is around 150 blocks tall, probably 10 times that in area.

It's a two story house. I'm sure you're thinking, a house? on minecraft? pfft, big deal.

Well, get ready to have your genitals blown clean off from excitement!

This is no mere Minecraft house. This is THE Minecraft house.

Observe:

This is the front of the house. Please bear in mind that this is all still under construction but we are nearing the last stretch of work. Also the interior is quite dark in these pictures. In the game your gamma has to be at 100% to be able to see clearly and the pictures were taken at 50% gamma (default) and then brightened considerably.

The living room is the first room on the right when you come in the door. 

Here's another view of the living room. That's SpongeBob on the Big Screen TV.

This is the brightest room in the house because of its nearly all glass ceiling. It's got a comfy bay window seat and an aquarium. 

The dining room and the kitchen are directly below the major part of the 2nd floor and are therefore, the darkest rooms in the house. Please forgive the crudeness of the pictures.

Most of the appliances, carpet, and wall decorations are retro inspired. I just love the rounded edges and bright colors. Quite a challenge to replicate with blocks, I should add.

First up, on the second floor is the spare bedroom. I went for cool bright colors and ended up with what some may think is a child's bedroom. Lol, maybe I did it subconsciously.

Here's the bathroom. It's got a toilet, giant fat bottom tub, and walk in shower. Every sink in the house works properly with some red stone technology. ;) The dark thing on the bottom right hand in the sectioned off toilet area.

This is the master bedroom. The furniture is french inspired, a vanity, and a chaise lounge chair. I went with darker colors and simpler patterns for what I think is a sexy grown up room. :) It also has a walk in closet, not pictured, and plenty of skylight.

Among the things not pictured are the car port, game room, backyard, river, and soon to be built fire pit and BBQ areas. 

I have lined up a video session with a good friend and video editor who will be posting this to youtube once it is complete in the coming weeks. Until then, my world is always open when I'm online and building. I will be accepting temporary friend requests to anyone who wants to see my world but you have to tell me that is why you want me to accept your request, otherwise it will be denied. I usually delete the temporary requests after 24 hours. 

That is all for now fellow Minecraft addicts.

Thanks for reading.
Love,
LaLadyPanda

Period Preparation and Survival Manual

Once a month, like shapeshifting monsters from fiction novels, most of female kind spawn tortured versions of themselves in the midst of a horrible, pain filled transformation also known as the Menstruation Cycle.

Lol.

I know some girls like me have short, 3 day periods. Other's deal with cycle's that last as long as a week and other poor souls last for 10 to 14 days. The pain can vary from bothersome to crippling and it all sucks! Every symptom, every feeling and emotion is heightened and suck suck sucky! 

As with everything I do, I approach it logically and analytically. As a result, I've developed a PPSM or Period Preparation and Survival Manual. 

PPSM: 

The Period Preparation and Survival Manual

aka Shark Week Prep

Here are some things that might help:

-Heating pads (duh right?)

 It sounds stupid but essentially a period cramp is just a muscle cramp and heat does wonders to make you feel better. Store bought heating pads don't last very long and can be quite expensive when you're running through 1-2 per hour for those extra painful first, middle, or last days of your period.

Solution: Using a clean sock or sweater sleeve, fill it with rice and tie or sew the ends. If you happen to have lavender oil around, put some in there! The smell will aromatically help you relax too. The great thing about homemade heating pads is that you can make them any size you want. I have two for hiding in my extra comfy granny panties (front and back) and a long sweater sleeve one for my neck/shoulders.

pic courtesy of http://balkanstyle.blogspot.com/2010/02/rice-sock.html

-Vitamins

 During your menstrual cycle, women lose from .5 ro 2.5 oz. of blood per day. That means you're essentially losing a lot or iron and calcium. This is called anemia. To combat anemia you need to take in more iron.

Try eating some red meat (cooked obviously) or dark greens. Some women take iron supplements but please consult your doctor first as taking iron supplements means you need to monitor and possibly change your diet. Certain things like wheat do not go well with iron supplements. Making sure that you're taking in vitamins to supplement your loss will help with fatigue, head and body aches.

-BANANAS!

 Yes, bananas! Among other things, banana's have potassium, iron, tryptopham, vitamin B, and fiber.

Potassium helps with easing cramps. Iron helps with anemia. Tryptopham helps combat sadness. Vitamin B gives you energy. Fiber keeps your intestinal tract relaxed and constant.

These are Banana Pancakes:

1 ripe banana

2 large eggs

dash of cinnamon

Tsp. of Vanilla

Mix until you have a batter like blend and then pour into pan to make flour-less Banana-cakes!

What's not to love about bananas? Here's more info on how helpful banana's are:

http://pmsfactor.com/blog/50/banana/

-Water

 Drinking water is highly important all the time but even more so during your cycle. Women tend to lose that glowing factor because of our loss of valuable vitamins and minerals during the cycle.

That makes your hair look dull, your nails feeble, your body bloat and even your skin pale. Drinking more water can help combat these problems.

-NTD: NO TO DAIRY

 Cheese and milk in particular. Whole milk especially. This will reduce bloating.

-YTC: YES TO CHOCOLATE

This isn't a medical recommendation. I just always crave chocolate. It's mostly because chocolate triggers endorphins and serotonin which are your brains natural happy drugs!

When you eat too much chocolate though you feel sleepy and groggy and you get tummy aches which is no good. So here's what I do:

Take a banana and a strawberry, cut them into small bits, put them in a cup with nutella or melted chocolate. Freeze the cup with a stick in the middle. I normally don't exceed 1-2 ounces. Try your hardest not to eat too many of these. Hopefully yours is more fruit than chocolate, unlike mine. :)

Also some people use ice trays like this cool person on Pinterest.

-Scheduling

 This may seem silly but when I was younger, I never kept track of my period. I was all too happy to forget all about it the minute it stopped until it surprised me again the next month.

BE ONE STEP AHEAD OF YOUR FOE!

By keeping track of it, you'll know when to expect it (hopefully). For those of you who are more regular than others try these preparation tips one week before your scheduled cycle. Stay ahead of the curve and curve those symptoms!

For those of you who never know when it's going to happen, try keeping this list and the water, vitamins, heating bags/pads, tampons, and sanitary napkins in a box labeled PPSM.

It can be like an emergency kit for your womanhood!


These may seem more like logic than magic but being prepared goes a long way when you're feeling crappy and need relief. I hope this helps and good luck my friends!

Thanks for reading!
Love, 
Mery Ann

Mrs. Parker reporting for duty!

***Calvin's Hats Donation Update! The $28.20 that we raised last month has been donated today! Thank you so much to all of you for your support. You guys make my heart soar!***


Welp, I did it! I got married to my soulmate and I have to tell you, I've never been happier in my whole life. It seems surreal and at the same time, not a lot has changed. :)

We're not having a honeymoon but it feels like we've fallen in love all over again like it was the first time. I'm just thrilled to the bone to be with my husband and share the rest of my life with him. This week has been eventful to say the least.

First and foremost, the wedding was just great. It was really small and quiet but with my anxiety being what it is, that was pretty much ideal. I was hanging onto walls and shaking like a leaf walking through the crowd of people at the security stop in the courthouse entrance. The ceremony waiting room was small and mostly empty so I had time to calm down. My guests were my sister, mother, niece, the best man, and the best man's mom. The colors were ivory and dark purple and my dress was a pretty lace vintage style dress from Sealed With A Kiss. I only have one picture from the ceremony so far but I wanted to share it with you guys.

Mr. and Mrs. Parker <3

In the beginning of November, George and I went through a serious hardship when I miscarried. That was the first confirmed pregnancy I've ever had and I want a baby more than anything in this world. It was really hard on both of us but in true form, we carried on loving and supporting each other through it. Hopefully this time next year we will be ready to try again.

George has decided to join the Army National Guard and we are waiting on one more test and physical to find out when he can go to boot camp. I'm nervous about him being gone for so long because I am insanely co-dependent on him. I don't feel like me without him around but I know I can cope and he'll only be gone a few months. I'm ready for him to be able to start his career and I know he is too so that's a good thing. 

The thing I'm looking forward to now is getting this weight off. I've worked hard to be healthy for many years now and my doctor was beaming at my lab results. "You could not be any healthier than you are now," she said beaming at me. I beamed right back! :)

The amount of weight on my body does present some other health issues that I'm eager to get rid of like ovarian cysts and severe sleep apnea. I have decided to take a huge step in my road to a healthier body and my doctor has agreed with my decision whole heartedly. I don't want to say what steps I'm taking until I know for sure which road I'll be taking but I'll keep you guys posted. 

Firstly, I have to go in for another sleep study to get fitted for a sleep apnea mask and breathing machine tomorrow night. I'm beside myself thinking of what a good nights sleep is going to feel like. It's been years and lately I can't get more than a couple of hours in before I wake up choking and aching so I'm ready for this change to happen sooner rather than later. 

I hope that if you are reading this and you have medical issues that sometimes worry you, you take any necessary steps to get better. All my life I've been the kind of person to blow things out of proportion in my mind. A head ache turns into me thinking I have a tumor in my brain, a rash turns into me thinking I have lime disease and so on. You would think with all that worrying that I would be at the doctor's constantly checking that I'm going to be ok but instead I would avoid the doctors like the plague and just worry myself sick about my ailments. 

I'm very lucky that I never got seriously ill but I don't want you to wait until 30 to realize that its better to start taking care of yourself from as early on as possible. It's true that no one is going to take care of you but you, but it's also true that no one can take care of you better, so hop to it. :)

That's all I have for you this post but here are some pics of the things I DIY-ed for the wedding. :)

Thanks for reading!

Love,

Mery Ann 

And the winner is...

The November charity event to benefit Calvin's Hats was a great success friends!

If you didn't already know, for the entire month of November, I set up a scoodie giveaway in return for earning some charity money for one of my favorite organizations. Calvin's Hats donates tiny micro-preemie hats to babies born way to early to survive on their own.

We were able to raise $28.20 to be donated online to www. CalvinsHats.com. I'm hoping to be able to include a little more than that from my personal funds but I have to wait until the 12th to know if I can. I'll keep you guys posted. :)

The winner picked by random.org is NICHOLAS CATANESE!

Please email me at CoolBeansandThings@yahoo.com to claim your prize. You have until December 5th to claim your prize. 

***If this prize isn't claimed by the 5th, a new winner will be drawn***

Please let me know the style/color you want for the scoodie. Here is a look at the one I have already created:

Monday, December 10th is my wedding day. I've been so busy that I haven't been around to blog much. I'm doing a lot of things on my own, my nails, makeup, alterations to the dress and groom's suit, decorations, and organizing everything so its been hectic. Right now the wedding will have about 9 people present including the bride and groom. Afterwards we're taking pictures at Lake Eola park nearby and rounding the day off with an early dinner at Golden Corral. 

It's not the most high class, expensive wedding ever but that doesn't matter to me. If it weren't for my friend Luis who donated most of the money for the wedding, it wouldn't even be really happening, so I'm feeling lucky nonetheless. 

This is me and my fiance :)

He pretty much saved my life. I didn't have too much to look forward to until he came into my life. It may sound corny or crazy but I feel like his true love's kiss broke the curse of my bad luck life. <3

If you want to get us a wedding gift, we made a registry at target.com and most of the items are either on sale or already low priced. :)

Here's the link to it Mery Ann Medina and George Parker Wedding Registry

Thank you for reading!

Love,

Mery Ann